I don’t want to feel like a loser, even when I’ve lost.
I’ve been fortunate to build a thriving and exciting career which I would consider moderately successful by most accounts. The last seven months of the pandemic have painted a much different picture though when I go below the surface. To put it lightly, I’ve lost. A lot. I know I’m not alone — many are in the same boat.
Over this span, I’ve had businesses fail, nannies quit with no advanced notice, a grandfather pass away, tenants disappear and friends take advantage of me. What has probably worn on me more than anything though is the constant drumbeat of clients telling me “no.” No, they aren’t ready. No, they aren’t comfortable with the landscape. No, they aren’t allowed. It’s the “No’s” which are out of my control that are hitting the hardest. It may not be about budget, or ideas or the pitches. It’s just “No”.
After a few months of those “No’s” grouped with a pile of personal headaches, I’ve found myself having to fight off the “victim” persona. But even more so, I’ve had to wrestle with the idea of being a “loser.”
This tiny lie has crept into my head between frustration, loss, and sadness. It’s slipped inside and pinned itself into my brain. Thankfully I’m aware of the risks associated with leaving that to fester. So what do I do now?
I’ve inserted the following plan as an experiment with the goal of exercising that feeling of “loser” :
I’m letting myself sleep more even if it means pushing back on a morning routine.
I’m putting my mental stability as my top financial priority for the rest of the year.
I’ve invested time and effort to build spaces where I can re-engage with good friends who I have deep relationships rooted in challenge and unconditional love.
I’ve inserted time each day to practice gratitude.
I’m taking it upon myself to celebrate EVERY win even if it’s just a positive response to an email.
I’m actively seeking ways I can support my friends in their endeavors so they can win.
Odds are, this plan isn’t perfect. I don’t pretend to be a psychologist, I’m just an aspiring artist who runs some small businesses. But I do know one thing, even though it may feel like it sometimes, I’m not a loser.
